Christians with Small Families are Sus
Are professed Christians who avoid having children trusting in God's plan?
By Connie Morgan
Ask a Christian if they want to glorify God, and they’ll say yes. Ask a Christian if they trust in God’s plan, and they’ll say yes. Ask a Christian if they want to or have given their life to Christ, and they’ll say yes... but over and over again, I run into a subject where modern-day Christians are not willing to “give their lives to Christ,” and that is with family planning.
The Bible is very clear about the significance of children. Apart from Jesus Himself, children may be the greatest gift The Father has given us. “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.” — Psalm 127:3-5.
God desires us to have and cherish children. His first command about procreation is found in Genesis. The books of John, Ecclesiastes, and Proverbs all affirm that children bring joy. Philippians teaches that having children can make us better people. Throughout the Bible, children are described as gifts and blessings. The command to “be fruitful and multiply” suggests, at the very least, having three children.
I don’t see how any honest person can read the Bible and not conclude that having children in abundance is something pleasing to the Lord.
This seems to be an uncomfortable truth for a lot of young Christians. It is rare to hear a Christian say, “I will have as many children as the Lord blesses me with.” Instead, many Christians choose to have as many children as they feel comfortable with. They want children based on their own timing, not God’s. Many Christians are not fully open to God’s plan when it comes to family planning. “I want to hit XYZ career milestone first,” “We’re waiting until we have XYZ amount of money,” or “We’re going to stop at two” could be rejections of God’s plan for your family.
Christians often cite their careers or current financial situation as reasons to delay having children. However, this concern doesn’t even hold much weight from a secular perspective, as research shows that being married and having any kind of employment is typically enough to ensure a family’s needs are met. Even the definition of “needs” has been drastically redefined by society. Many families are reluctant to have more children if it means sacrificing luxury, like trips to Hawaii, buying new items, or having more personal freedom. Raising children certainly requires sacrifice, but God doesn’t call us to live comfortably. If His plan for us involves having five children, as Christians, we should praise His generosity, not actively avoid it. Christians often seem to lose faith in God’s ability to provide when it comes to children.
Contraception is, for some Christians, a way of rejecting God’s will. I’ve heard the argument that as long as someone is "open" to the idea of having children—meaning they wouldn’t get an abortion if they became pregnant—then birth control is acceptable. The reasoning is that since God can do anything, if He wants you to have children, He will make it happen, regardless of whether you're using protection. By that logic, why not schedule an abortion? If God truly intends for you to have the baby, He could make the abortion fail. While it’s true that God is all-powerful, this line of reasoning is intellectually dishonest. God also grants us free will, allowing us to choose the direction of our lives rather than forcing us to love and obey Him.
Let’s say you have a friend who wants to be married but, for years, hasn’t found their match. At the same time, this friend doesn’t make much of an effort to meet people and is more of a homebody. You probably wouldn’t blame their loneliness on God’s unwillingness to provide; instead, you’d rightly tell them they need to get out of the house more if they want to meet someone! While, yes, God could make the pizza delivery guy their soulmate, human effort is often part of putting God’s plan into action. The same principle applies to contraception: you can’t claim to be "open" to the idea of children while actively taking steps to prevent them, both literally and figuratively.
Now, there is one form of birth control that I do believe gets the theological okay, and that is natural family planning (NFP). I have to give credit to Catholics here. No, natural family planning is not the "rhythm method"; it is much more scientific and precise. Women track their temperature, pay attention to their vaginal discharge, and monitor their periods to pinpoint when they’re ovulating and avoid intercourse during that time. When done correctly, this method is up to 99% effective, the same as other popular forms of birth control.
The difference is that NFP leaves the invitation open for God’s intervention, both symbolically and literally. Not only that, but NFP requires effort and constant communication between partners. Methods like pills, condoms, or an insertion device are easy, mindless, and habitual. A couple will only commit to NFP if they have legitimate, serious concerns about having children, making it a more intentional and thoughtful approach.
NFP forces couples to ask themselves every month if avoiding children is truly worth the effort. Couples must constantly check in on their marriage. A simple question like “Why shouldn’t we have a child right now?” opens the door to all kinds of follow-up questions that could reveal issues one partner might not have realized. “I don’t feel financially secure,” “I’m still struggling from the last pregnancy,” “I don’t feel close to you right now,” “I want to move,” etc. These are all important discussions that couples practicing NFP must address head-on every month. Commitment, communication, consideration, and self-control are all key to NFP. This is why NFP has a bonus side effect: the reported divorce rate among couples who use NFP is as low as 0% and even the most conservative estimates place divorce rates among NFP users at just 9.6%.
Now, someone always brings this up in the comments: none of this is to say that married couples who are unable to conceive somehow have a less holy union. Children are not the only way the Lord blesses us, and the number of children a couple has is not indicative of their faithfulness to God. Likewise, if a woman has a condition that makes pregnancy life-threatening, then contraception may become an appropriate choice. In both of these cases, adoption is still an option I would encourage Christians in these situations to explore—this may very well be God’s calling for you. I also admit that it is likely children are simply not part of God’s plan for every married couple.
Worth noting is that even secular women are becoming more and more interested in NFP for the health and relationship benefits. It’s funny how often scripture-based lifestyle advice turns out to be good for humans, religious or not. Dr Jolene Brighten has been a champion for NFP or what she calls the fertility awareness method. Her book Beyond the Pill is a best seller.
Regardless of any earthly benefit, the question for Christians should always be: Are my actions glorifying God? This means being open to following God’s plan and celebrating the gifts He gives you, whether they align with the plan you were hoping for or not. Christians act unbiblically when they try to restrict or perfectly time the number of blessings (children) God gives them, planning their family according to their own will instead of God’s. Wishing for a life according to God’s will while using birth control is like saying, “God, let me live according to Your plan... unless Your plan is for me to have children right now, in which case, I’m not interested.”
Connie Morgan is a Christian, wife, and mother located in the Pacific Northwest. She has a background in economics and public relations and has worked in higher ed and marketing. She served five years in the United States military as a military intelligence officer. Her main research and writing interests are the family, education, and personal liberty generally. Connie is a founding member of Free Black Thought. She is the regular host of the Free Black Thought Podcast. She tweets here.
Asking the hard questions.
In the early 1960s, opposition to abortion was considered something of a Catholic hobbyhorse, and was often tied to the Church's opposition to artificial contraception. Both, in Church teaching, contravened natural law, and so were seen as inappropriate for human flourishing. As abortion laws began to liberalize at the state level throughout the decade, Catholic bishops wisely encouraged Catholic clergy and laypeople to begin making alliances with non-Catholics (Jews and Protestants). This is really the beginning of what we now call the pro-life movement, which began to coalesce several years before Roe v. Wade was decided in 1973. Part of that bridge building between faiths and denominations was in reframing the issue of abortion outside arguments rooted in natural law, and placing the arguments instead squarely within the rights-based language of American discourse - which is how we end up with "pro right-to-life" as a cause, eventually shortened to "pro-life". But in laying aside natural law arguments in favor of rights-based language, the issue of contraception was decoupled from the issue of abortion. Arguments about abortion became much more rooted in the right of the child to live, and less about how our sexuality must be oriented toward human flourishing. This was an effective strategy, but also leaves some unfinished work to be done by the movement - specifically, a deep discussion of whether fertility in itself is at the center of human identity, or whether it is best understood as a disability or a disease to be managed through medical/pharmaceutical intervention. This is part of the story we're hoping to tell: https://lydwine.substack.com/s/praise-her-in-the-gates